I feel ugly today

somedays things go bad and you just have no excuse. today was one of those days.
it started out alright and really there was no reason for it to turn like it did. i did my chores this morning and then had a great chat with a good friend. i spent the afternoon working on Dan's uniform for annual inspection which turned out not to be tonight but on the 17th. anyway his uniform is ready to go with his badges sewn in all the right places. i played spyro for a couple hours and still had time to read for a few minutes before the kiddos came home from school.
all in all a good day... right?
apperantly not because when Daniel came home from school with yet another comment from his teacher about homework not being done I LOST IT. any relaxation i had previously enjoyed melted away and i became this ugly awful person. i yelled, i screamed, i hurt my throat and it is still hoarse. i thought i was done that i had got my point across and then this evil horrid rage came over me and i wanted to hurt my child. i backed him down the hallway and cornered him and oh how i wanted to hurt him. i admit to smacking his face for telling me a bold faced lie but the fear in his eyes stopped me from killing him.
i left the room and walked back to the couch and crumbled apart. as huge racking sobs took over my body i reached out to a friend to help stabalize me again. it only took a few minutes and i could breath again and was able to talk to dan. i apologized and made sure he was alright. i explained why i got angry to the best of my ability because i don't really know exactly what set me off. we talked for a few minutes i told him how much i loved him and asked him if he could forgive me for my temper. a huge hug and dried tears and he went back to his homework.
i am left feeling ugly for it.
i am sure some of your opinions on what happened today will be harsh but not as harsh as my own so feel free to comment if you feel the need. i have had rage like this before although i am pleased to say the episodes are very few and far between. i think the last was about april last year and as a matter of fact it was also with daniel. that time he ran away from daycare and was missing for over 2 hours. scared the life out of more than a few people with that stunt.
i know that anger is something we learn from our society and our surroundings. i was watching something the other day and jane goodall said that she believes our human society has the anger it does because we are all so confined to such small areas. in this house that is certainly true but it is also true in society. is there anywhere you can go to get away from it all anymore? even here when i drive 2 hrs into the bush there is a chance i will see someone out there.
i am not proud of my rage and i have learned to tame it. in fact usually it takes me a very long time to get angry something that frustrates Dean to no end because i will let things slide when i shouldn't. sometimes however days like today happen and i am at a loss to figure out what triggered it. frustration at an ongoing situation that every action attempted hasn't fixed does have a lot to do with it. now i won't blame today on daniel because it wasn't his fault that i got so mad. yes it was his fault his homework wasn't done yet again and yes it is partly the teachers fault for signing off on his agenda yesterday without the required homework being written in it. but i got angry not daniel or the teacher.
getting that angry makes me feel ugly. i feel like i am a horrible person for taking such a stance with my child. a person i brought into this world that i am supposed to nuture and love at all costs. certainly i am not supposed to act like an abusive power of authority. i know my actions today will cause daniel to tow the line but that doesn't justify it in anyway. what i did was wrong and totally out of line. if i saw it on the news i would react with hatred for the person who could do such an act. and that is what makes me feel so ugly. i am not that person and i don't like that person.
dean and a gf both told me that sometimes we over react to a situation and i know that to be true but over reacting like i did today is never justified. i feel like the worlds worst parent for it even though i know daniel has forgiven me and will continue to act like all 10yr old and act as if nothing has happened. that makes me feel worse because he should have the right to react to my actions too instead of thinking he has to keep them bottled in his mind because you don't talk back to elders.
i know i am human and perhaps some of you have also experienced this rage that uncorks itself with no warning. i wish it was more like champagne instead of like barbed wire. i would enjoy a sudden burst of laughter or happiness.
hugs to all and thanks for letting me vent.
Susan